The Human Race: An Example of Shoddy Workmanship On God's Part

I was walking around earlier and noticed that my hands were a bit cold. It was then that the thought occurred to me that the human race are an example of shoddy workmanship on God's part. Reason being, if I was walking around in my completely natural state, a.k.a stark-fucking-bollock-naked, as naturalists argue that I ought to, my entire body would have been as cold as my hands. This seems to me to be a fundamental flaw in our design. It's not even that cold outside and I would've been in a right state. To be perfectly honest I would've been shivering my tits off. And yet, do any of us see the common household cat or dog shivering their tits off in this current climate? No we fucking don't. My cat for one has been strolling in and out of doors as if they were both of the most perfectly agreeable temperature, not even bothering to exclaim 'Cor, bit nippy outside isn't it?' upon her re-entry into the house. I'll tell you why, it's because God put a bit of work in and designed her properly. He was a bit clever and gave her some fur, which would even get a bit thicker as things got colder, thus being perfectly adapted to her natural climate without the need for a coat or anything.
What I'm trying to say is, when the day came around for God to design the human race, he couldn't be fucking bothered. He pushed the boat out initially by making us bipeds (presumably so that we could play football easier), but then after that he began slacking.
"So are you going to put fur on them then God?" asks his angel secretary. God sighs and has a sit down, clicks the t.v on.
"Nahhh..." he says. The angel looks bemused.
"..What, really? Well are you going to give them some sort of means of keeping warm then? Like, I dunno, whatever the fuck lizards do or some shit?"
"Yeah yeah in a minute."
"Well are you going to or not?"
"Look I'm nackered alright?"
"God I really think you ought to..."
"Fine!" he huffs in the manner of a sulking teenager, and zaps some hair onto us.
"God you've only done the scalp and a few other choice areas which I won't go into because I'm a bit prudish. That's hardly sufficient to..."
"Look, I'm sure they'll figure out a way of sorting it out."
And indeed, we did. We had to fucking make clothes, as if we didn't have anything better to do like trying to fucking survive. To make matters worse, unless we sleep in a fucking comfortable bed we end up with a bad neck in the morning. I've never seen a fucking duck complaining about having an aching neck after they sleep by tucking their head under their wing in a preposterous manner, and yet if our head is positioned slightly askew when we go to bed it's stiff-neck o' clock the next day. Yes indeed my fellow humans, we are the living example of the 'it'll probably sort itself out' attitude.
What does a tiger do if it's a bit hungry? It uses it's God-given strength and agility to go and fuck up another animal and eat it raw.
What does a human do? It constructs a hunting weapon because we're nowhere near quick enough to catch up with any other animal on Earth and looks around for ages for something because our sense of hearing and smell is nowhere near good enough to track others animals instinctively, then when we're lucky enough to catch something we have to cook it before we eat it otherwise we'll get the shits, and if you don't fancy that you can go forraging for stuff that will also most likely give you the shits.
Basically, we got fucked over. I reckon the reason God sent his son down to cheer us up is because he felt so bad for making us an absolutely terrible race of creatures, and then we nailed him to a cross for some fucking reason, probably because he rubbed our noses in the fact that he could turn water into wine and we can't.
"Fucking hell. It takes us ages. We have to grow grapes, then pick them, then put them in a massive tub and step on them and stuff. We're a joke. At least donkeys can make a fucking funny noise, what the hell can we actually do?" many were heard to lament.
So yes, I hope that I've proved that the human race is a piss-poor attempt at a species on God's part. However, saying that, we learnt how to make electric guitars and they're fucking wicked.
(Kirk sees a rabbit in the distance tearing out a scorching solo on a self-made electric guitar which is better than an American Fender)

Fucking hell.

I Wanna Be Your Lover, Says Prince

I've noticed a trend in the lyrics of popular music. For the most part, they are declarations of the protagonist's feelings, or proposals for some form of activity to occur (usually sex, even prior to marriage).This strikes me as a somewhat selfish.
There ought to be more consideration for the other person's feelings when it comes to the protagonist's utterances. It strikes me that the person they're singing to might not always want to make sweet love immediately or hear about how much they love them. They might have had a fucking long day, and they might appreciate it if somebody took an interest in their hardships for once rather than just assault them with a series of vulgar boasts.
'I Wanna Be Your Lover' by Prince is a prime example of the kind of thing I'm talking about. This young lady he's singing to didn't ask for this barrage of truths on his part. She might have just wanted to talk about the episode of the Simpsons that was on yesterday. Instead, we get a tyrannical outburst from the tiny song-smith, a frankly repugnant repetition of the fact that basically he wants to get her knickers off. Why doesn't he ask her how she'd feel about this situation?
Here are my suggestions for improvements in the lyrics.
"I ain't got no money
I ain't like those other guys you hang around,"
Being a bit unfair on her friends, aren't you? If you have any respect for her as a person than you ought to give these fellows she hangs around with the benefit of the doubt, seeing as she clearly deems them worthy of her company. Also, she didn't ask about your financial situation. She might be suffering some monetary woes herself, but you wouldn't know that would you, because you didn't bother to ask.
Improved version: "Hi, how are you? You alright for money at the moment?
How are your friends? They seem really nice but I've never spoke to them."
See, that's much better isn't it? Here's another example:
"I wanna be your lover
I wanna be the only one that makes you come running
I wanna be your lover
I wanna turn you on, turn you out, all night long make you shout."
Highly inappropriate and verging on chauvinistic. It should have been more like this:
"Would you like to go and get a drink sometime?"
There, much better. Just bear these things in mind in the future, songwriters. People you're writing songs about are not objects, they have thoughts and feelings too.