I think we all already know who'd win this fight.
That's right, meat.
And why? Because there's not much coal left, because the human race are doing a fine job in hollowing out the Earth and draining it of all its natural resources.
Essentially then, I think this fight is a bit of a write-off and shouldn't be allowed to take place. The last thing we need is for more coal to get wasted in a meaningless scrap with a hamburger. However, this almost-fight has helped to hammer home the fact that we need to start thinking about alternative fuels and energy-saving methods if we're going to keep our plastic-powered world going for much longer, and so I think this is as good an opportunity as ever to get our mother-fuckin' thinking caps on.
Here are some of my suggestions for ways of combating this problem:
-Stop using loads of coal and that
-Instead of turning your lights off all the time, always keep them on. This will reduce the amount of times you will have to turn them back on again.
-As a replacement for using your heating, start a huge fire in your house. If you struggle to keep this fire going, be sure to use lots of coal
-Shit bands' concerts use lots of power, probably. Consequently, I propose that the following bands shouldn't be allowed to perform anymore: The Courteeners, Bloc Party (they went shit, admit it), any bands from Wales, My Chemical Romance, etc.
-Leave it out.
I hope those suggestions are helpful. Maybe if Gordon Brown came up with some cracking policies like these he wouldn't have to be worried about not getting re-elected and that.
(Gordon Brown smashes through the window to confront me)
"What have you been fucking saying about me?" growls Gordon.
"I said you might not get re-elected."
"Why don't you say it to my face?"
"I just did."
"Yeah, and what."
"What?"
"Enough of this, I bet I can eat more porridge than you," he says, fetching a little pot full of Quaker's faster than anything I've ever seen.
"Why are you conforming to racial stereotypes Mr. Brown?"
"Fine, I bet I can toss the caber further than you."
"That sounds a bit gay..."
"There's just no fucking pleasing you is there," he says, and draws out a massive machine-gun. I think my days are numbered here, but all of a sudden Nick Clegg smashes through another one of my windows to join in.
"Yeah you lot can pay for all of this damage by the way," I say, but I am silenced by Nick Clegg pumping up a shotgun menacingly.
"Alright motherfucker, it's time to Build A Fairer Britain out of your smokin' carcass," he drawls in a menacing American action-hero voice. Not sure why he's putting the voice on. Gordon Brown lets loose with his machine-gun, but Nick Clegg is quicker off the mark and he dives out of the line of fire and unloads into Gordon's Scottish stomach.
"Aaaaaarghhhhhh," howls Gordon Brown, sounding a bit like what Arnold Schwarzenegger would if he came from the highlands. David Cameron doesn't turn up because he's busy scrubbing all the graffiti off of his posters. This means it's just me and Clegg left in my destroyed living room, him still holding a smoking shotgun and Gordon Brown dead on the floor.
Things get a bit awkward.
"So, how's your degree going?" Clegg asks.
"Not too bad I suppose."
"I did Anthropology at Cambridge, you know."
"Did ya."
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Class War
Has anybody else noticed a trend these days to get on your high horse if you haven't got as much money as someone else? I have, because I do it. But if you think about it, it doesn't make any fucking sense at all, because at the end of the day we'd all rather have a bit more money.
"Aaah shut up you middle-class cunt," is a popular thing to say these days, which is stupid because unless you actually live in a coal-mine and have seventeen siblings, nobody is technically working class anymore. We're all just one enormous faceless middle-class with different degrees of income, I'm afraid. And yes, having a bit more money is better, so why think you're better than somebody if you haven't got as much as them?
Consequently, I propose we go back to the far more logical old system of Victorian England when rich people gave poor people shit for having no money. If a rich person had the gall to say to me "Yeah but I'm richer than you, you absolute chimney-sweep," I'd have to say fair-play to the man, in a way. That's how capitalism works unfortunately, rich people are more important, and no I'm not going to start talking about communism because Karl Marx has a stupid beard. I think all of this is Paul Weller's fault for banging on about being working class and that and making being poor cool. Anyway, he sent his kids to private school and shit, so he can shut up. Besides, let me put it this way, who's better, Mick Jagger or Paul Weller? Clearly Mick Jagger, and he has no problem with admitting that he's from a comfortable middle-class background. It's all well and good having a go at middle-class people, but they're not as bad as a nuclear holocaust are they, so leave it out.
By the way I'm well aware of the inherent hypocrisy of this note because I fucking hate rich people too and think they should all fuck off.
"Aaah shut up you middle-class cunt," is a popular thing to say these days, which is stupid because unless you actually live in a coal-mine and have seventeen siblings, nobody is technically working class anymore. We're all just one enormous faceless middle-class with different degrees of income, I'm afraid. And yes, having a bit more money is better, so why think you're better than somebody if you haven't got as much as them?
Consequently, I propose we go back to the far more logical old system of Victorian England when rich people gave poor people shit for having no money. If a rich person had the gall to say to me "Yeah but I'm richer than you, you absolute chimney-sweep," I'd have to say fair-play to the man, in a way. That's how capitalism works unfortunately, rich people are more important, and no I'm not going to start talking about communism because Karl Marx has a stupid beard. I think all of this is Paul Weller's fault for banging on about being working class and that and making being poor cool. Anyway, he sent his kids to private school and shit, so he can shut up. Besides, let me put it this way, who's better, Mick Jagger or Paul Weller? Clearly Mick Jagger, and he has no problem with admitting that he's from a comfortable middle-class background. It's all well and good having a go at middle-class people, but they're not as bad as a nuclear holocaust are they, so leave it out.
By the way I'm well aware of the inherent hypocrisy of this note because I fucking hate rich people too and think they should all fuck off.
Friday, 23 April 2010
Fruit vs. Vegetables
It all started when Strawberry started slagging off Aubergine's mum, which caused Aubergine to cry like a fucking idiot and run and tell Pumpkin. Pumpkin is the earth-grown equivalent of a massive skinhead.
"What was that little ponce saying?" Pumpkin growls.
"He said my mum is a delicate perennial often cultivated as an annual that grows 40 to 150 cm (16 to 57 in) tall, with large coarsely lobed leaves that are 10 to 20 cm (4–8 in) long and 5 to 10 cm (2–4 in) broad!"
"....Well that's pretty much exactly right though isn't it?"
"Well yeah but it was still bang out of order to say it, though," Aubergine protests. So, Pumpkin strolls over to Strawberry, who's chatting up a proper fit Pineapple and smoking whilst wearing shades and shit.
"What you been saying about my boy?" Pumpkin says, all intimidating like, which causes the Pineapple to scram but Strawberry isn't phased.
"I said that he's botanically classified as a berry, and contains numerous small, soft seeds, which are edible. And he fuckin' knows it," says Strawberry, exhaling loads of smoke into Pumpkin's face. Pumpkin goes mental at this and nuts Strawberry, which causes an all-out Fruit vs. Vegetable war.
Now the question I'm presenting to you is this, who would you support? Who does you the most favours? I'd go for fruit personally coz they taste nicer and have more exotic sounding names. Case in point: Kumquat. That's a fucking mental name. And then you've got tons of vegetables with fucking stupid sounding names like Cabbage. What a waste of space Cabbage is anyway really, it doesn't taste very nice and smells bad when you boil it. I'm not joking, it stinks out the fucking kitchen. How dare such a bland substance have such a ridiculously potent smell? Cabbage is essentially the vegetable equivalent of the slow person in the class at school was still doing colouring in when everybody else was doing their times-tables.
Cabbage would be one of the first of the casualties, literally getting held down by Melon and punched in the stomach by Pear. However, at this point Marrow strolls out of his council estate with a 2x4 with a nail through it, and things are looking bad for the fruit as he absolutely slaughters Lychee, despite his hard outer shell.
"You rarely-eaten exotic shit!" he bellows. He's a prize-winning Marrow as well, literally massive.
"Where the fuck is Apple?" cries Banana, who's place amongst the fruit army is under debate anyway because there's been whispers about him technically being a nut or a pulse or something like that. His counter-argument was 'Yeah but I sit in a fuckin' fruit bowl don't I?' and which point everybody was urged to 'leave it out'.
Yeah, Apple's the big player with the fruit. He's literally a legend, gets all the girls and has a fast car and shit. Gets in for free in clubs.
Then.....just as Marrow, Pumpkin and Potato surround the only fruit left standing.....Apple zooms in on his motorbike.
"I said I'd come didn't I?" Apple says, in the voice of Clint Eastwood. He then shoots the hefty vegetables to shit with a massive shotgun and says some sort of cool one-liner, but because he's quite far away from the rest of them they can't hear it, so he sort of wasted his breath really.
So yeah, I think fruit are better than vegetables. Tune in next week for Meat vs. Coal.
My Thoughts On The General Election
Nah I don't have any to be honest, because I'm just your standard lad and I'm too busy watching football and drinking and having a laugh with my mates and that. When I'm not doing that I also really enjoy boobs and fast cars, so yeah I ain't got the time to be thinking about BORING politics. Incidentally, who wants to go to Oceana tonight?
But in all seriousness, after watching (some of) that debate thing all I could think about was the fact that David Cameron's face is way too small for his head. It looks like somebody stretched a pink canvas across a ridiculously tall wall and then drew the tiny face of a sparrow in the middle, don't you think? He really ought to have considered this before deciding to appear on television. I imagine whilst the debate was going on the producer was yelling in the presenter's earpiece saying stuff like: "Try and make him look less like a massive wall-face!"
And the presenter would subtly put his hand over his mouth and ask "How should I do that?"
"I don't fucking know just do something he looks ridiculous aaarghh, cut to commercial!"
"I can't, Gordon Brown just brought up something irrelevant again, it'd be ridiculous to cut now,"
"Aaaarghhhhhhhh"
Well that's what I'd like to think was going on anyway, I don't know how often live-television producers resort to just hollering 'aaargh' into the presenter's ear, it'd be somewhat distracting.
"Aaaargh now he looks a bit like he could be related to Jeremy Kyle, people are gonna be thinking they're watching Jeremy Kyle!"
"I don't think they will."
They should have made Jeremy Kyle present the debate actually, he could've done that bit when he bangs on about the results of the lie detector and it's well tense even though they don't use tense music or nuffink.
"So Nick Clegg, you are saying you DON'T have a wooden leg, despite the fact that it would be great because we could make a limerick out of it......but we have the results from the lie-detector right here...." says Jeremy, retrieving the ominous sheet of paper from some fucker. Nick Clegg is sweating like mad.
"And the results prove....that you DON'T have a wooden leg."
(Applause, Nick Clegg is hugged by a loved one.)
"Now join us after the break where we'll be finding out whether or not Gordon Brown has a glass eye."
"No, I actually do have a glass eye," Gordon interjects.
"Well we'll see," Jeremy says, attempting to wrap it up for the camera with one of those perversely sincere looks so they can go to commercial, but Gordon interrupts again.
"This is pointless, I definitely do have a glass eye."
"We'll find out whether you're telling the truth when we get the results, I said," says Jeremy in the tone he uses when usually accusing people of being 'scum'.
"Can I just say," David Cameron pipes up, "When they asked me on the lie detector whether or not I'm a nobhead I was really nervous anyway because I was thinking about my upcoming exams, so my results probably aren't very accurate."
"Excuses excuses!!!" chants literally everybody in the audience, causing his pink wall-face to deepen in colour to a severe crimson.
Aaaaaah politics.
But in all seriousness, after watching (some of) that debate thing all I could think about was the fact that David Cameron's face is way too small for his head. It looks like somebody stretched a pink canvas across a ridiculously tall wall and then drew the tiny face of a sparrow in the middle, don't you think? He really ought to have considered this before deciding to appear on television. I imagine whilst the debate was going on the producer was yelling in the presenter's earpiece saying stuff like: "Try and make him look less like a massive wall-face!"
And the presenter would subtly put his hand over his mouth and ask "How should I do that?"
"I don't fucking know just do something he looks ridiculous aaarghh, cut to commercial!"
"I can't, Gordon Brown just brought up something irrelevant again, it'd be ridiculous to cut now,"
"Aaaarghhhhhhhh"
Well that's what I'd like to think was going on anyway, I don't know how often live-television producers resort to just hollering 'aaargh' into the presenter's ear, it'd be somewhat distracting.
"Aaaargh now he looks a bit like he could be related to Jeremy Kyle, people are gonna be thinking they're watching Jeremy Kyle!"
"I don't think they will."
They should have made Jeremy Kyle present the debate actually, he could've done that bit when he bangs on about the results of the lie detector and it's well tense even though they don't use tense music or nuffink.
"So Nick Clegg, you are saying you DON'T have a wooden leg, despite the fact that it would be great because we could make a limerick out of it......but we have the results from the lie-detector right here...." says Jeremy, retrieving the ominous sheet of paper from some fucker. Nick Clegg is sweating like mad.
"And the results prove....that you DON'T have a wooden leg."
(Applause, Nick Clegg is hugged by a loved one.)
"Now join us after the break where we'll be finding out whether or not Gordon Brown has a glass eye."
"No, I actually do have a glass eye," Gordon interjects.
"Well we'll see," Jeremy says, attempting to wrap it up for the camera with one of those perversely sincere looks so they can go to commercial, but Gordon interrupts again.
"This is pointless, I definitely do have a glass eye."
"We'll find out whether you're telling the truth when we get the results, I said," says Jeremy in the tone he uses when usually accusing people of being 'scum'.
"Can I just say," David Cameron pipes up, "When they asked me on the lie detector whether or not I'm a nobhead I was really nervous anyway because I was thinking about my upcoming exams, so my results probably aren't very accurate."
"Excuses excuses!!!" chants literally everybody in the audience, causing his pink wall-face to deepen in colour to a severe crimson.
Aaaaaah politics.
A Form of an Informal Formality
I love how different cultures have got different formalities and that, it's well good isn't it? I mostly like it because of the very high chance of really pissing off another culture by accident by trying to shake their hand or something because it isn't one of their formalities. Imagine if it was a ridiculously obscure culture who's not involved with any other nation at all and they thought you were trying to steal their hand.
"Why you trying to steal my hand though?"
"Well I'm not."
"Well why are you shaking it then?"
"Well when you put it like that, I haven't got a fucking clue mate. What does your culture usually do as a greeting?"
"Steal each other's trousers."
"That's ridiculous."
"Well so is shaking their hand you mug."
"Welll...."
"Well...."
What a comical scene that'd be. To ensure that this happens in the near-future I'm going to go and claim some tiny island and start a new culture, and we'll have ridiculous formalities and get really offended by every other culture's formalities, especially stuff like bowing.
"What are you trying to call me a cunt or something?" will be our standard response to every greeting that isn't trying to steal the other person's trousers.
Who wants to start this culture up with me then?
(Kirk gets pelted by rotten fruit again)
"Why you trying to steal my hand though?"
"Well I'm not."
"Well why are you shaking it then?"
"Well when you put it like that, I haven't got a fucking clue mate. What does your culture usually do as a greeting?"
"Steal each other's trousers."
"That's ridiculous."
"Well so is shaking their hand you mug."
"Welll...."
"Well...."
What a comical scene that'd be. To ensure that this happens in the near-future I'm going to go and claim some tiny island and start a new culture, and we'll have ridiculous formalities and get really offended by every other culture's formalities, especially stuff like bowing.
"What are you trying to call me a cunt or something?" will be our standard response to every greeting that isn't trying to steal the other person's trousers.
Who wants to start this culture up with me then?
(Kirk gets pelted by rotten fruit again)
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
I Could Beat Up Zeus In A Fight
Before you lose your temper at the outrageous claim I've made in the title of this note, consider the following things:
1. Zeus is well old, I bet he gets tired quicker than I do and would keep banging on about his back
2. Zeus only ever wears a toga so if I decide to fight him in the frozen plains of Northern Russia (which I probably will) he'll be proper cold and unable to defend himself against my vicious slaps (which incidentally will hurt even more because of the cold especially if I get him on the nipple)
3. Zeus has got a shit beard which would probably catch fire really easily if I get matches involved, which has been known to happen
4. Zeus doesn't exist so I win be default
There you go you see, I'm basically harder than the lord of Mount Olympus and the mightiest of all the Greek Gods. That's pretty good isn't it? The next time I'm feeling a bit down I'll just reflect upon this fact and cheer myself up. Well, either that or do a Facebook status saying something like "Cud dis day get n e worse?? :( xx." and wait for all my girliez to reply saying "Wat's up babez? xx."
Anyway whilst we're on the topic of Zeus, I've got a few bones to pick with him. First of all, why does he keep pissing about with lightning bolts? They're ridiculously dangerous. Did you know they can heat up the air around them to ridiculous temperatures like 50,000 degrees, which is hotter than the surface of the sun? Being a God and that he obviously knows this, and yet he still opts to ponce about with them as if they're just a fun toy like a Nintendo Piss.
If I was his school-teacher I'd give him a right clip round the ear-hole and send him to the naughty wall. Hades would be all like: "AAAAAAHAAA!!! Zeus got sent to the naughty wall!!!" and would be proper pointing and laughing at him. You've literally never seen somebody point so much.
But yeah secondly Mr. Zeus, literally what are you playing at with that beard? You're the lord of Mount Olympus, show that you've put a bit of effort in. At least buy one of those new beard trimmers so you can get a designer stubble like David Beckham or David Blaine or another David. Until you do, you ought to be embarrassed every time you show your face in public looking like a hung-over Alan Sugar.
My third and final bone to pick however is the most important one. When you existed back in Ancient Greek times, why didn't you ever throw any mental parties? Seems to me that you wasted your period of existence a bit by just dicking around with bolts of lightning and togas. You could have had absolutely mental parties with Angelina Jolie there and everything, and swimming pools filled up with wine and stuff, so why didn't you, you celestial nobhead? What a senseless waste of deity-ism.
I might have to go and see the head of Classics at Oxford University about this and see what he has to say about it.
(Jump-cut to a shot of Kirk getting senselessly beaten by the head of Classics at Oxford who is a massive skinhead)
1. Zeus is well old, I bet he gets tired quicker than I do and would keep banging on about his back
2. Zeus only ever wears a toga so if I decide to fight him in the frozen plains of Northern Russia (which I probably will) he'll be proper cold and unable to defend himself against my vicious slaps (which incidentally will hurt even more because of the cold especially if I get him on the nipple)
3. Zeus has got a shit beard which would probably catch fire really easily if I get matches involved, which has been known to happen
4. Zeus doesn't exist so I win be default
There you go you see, I'm basically harder than the lord of Mount Olympus and the mightiest of all the Greek Gods. That's pretty good isn't it? The next time I'm feeling a bit down I'll just reflect upon this fact and cheer myself up. Well, either that or do a Facebook status saying something like "Cud dis day get n e worse?? :( xx." and wait for all my girliez to reply saying "Wat's up babez? xx."
Anyway whilst we're on the topic of Zeus, I've got a few bones to pick with him. First of all, why does he keep pissing about with lightning bolts? They're ridiculously dangerous. Did you know they can heat up the air around them to ridiculous temperatures like 50,000 degrees, which is hotter than the surface of the sun? Being a God and that he obviously knows this, and yet he still opts to ponce about with them as if they're just a fun toy like a Nintendo Piss.
If I was his school-teacher I'd give him a right clip round the ear-hole and send him to the naughty wall. Hades would be all like: "AAAAAAHAAA!!! Zeus got sent to the naughty wall!!!" and would be proper pointing and laughing at him. You've literally never seen somebody point so much.
But yeah secondly Mr. Zeus, literally what are you playing at with that beard? You're the lord of Mount Olympus, show that you've put a bit of effort in. At least buy one of those new beard trimmers so you can get a designer stubble like David Beckham or David Blaine or another David. Until you do, you ought to be embarrassed every time you show your face in public looking like a hung-over Alan Sugar.
My third and final bone to pick however is the most important one. When you existed back in Ancient Greek times, why didn't you ever throw any mental parties? Seems to me that you wasted your period of existence a bit by just dicking around with bolts of lightning and togas. You could have had absolutely mental parties with Angelina Jolie there and everything, and swimming pools filled up with wine and stuff, so why didn't you, you celestial nobhead? What a senseless waste of deity-ism.
I might have to go and see the head of Classics at Oxford University about this and see what he has to say about it.
(Jump-cut to a shot of Kirk getting senselessly beaten by the head of Classics at Oxford who is a massive skinhead)
Friday, 26 March 2010
A Proposal For Change In The Laws Of Physics
If there is a God almighty who's omnipotent and all that jazz, why doesn't he ever occasionally have a little fun and completely change the laws of physics every week or so? Surely if God's been alive and well for eternity he must be a bit bored by now. I'm only 20 and I'm starting to find many a-thing quite fucking boring, so imagine how he/she/Nadia-from-Big-Brother feels!
So yes, working with the idea that there IS definitely a God despite everything Richard Dawkins says (more like Richard DORK-ins, are you with me??!) I propose that God changes the laws of physics to the extent that once you build a snowman it stays there instead of melting when it gets a bit hotter. Just imagine it, you could built the most elaborate snowman of all time and he'd be there FOREVER. You look out your window, he's there. You go to the toilet, he's there. You watch Snog Marry Avoid, he's right there with you calling the girls on it "disgusting orange slags that should be ashamed of themselves." How good would that be?
Then again there might be unforeseen circumstances, such as the possibility of your status in society being dictated by how good your snowman is.
"Oy, Kirk! You fucking loser!" says a person.
"....What's going on, why am I being called a loser, I don't go to school anymore."
"Yeah but your snowman is shit, he looks like a queer nonce."
"How do you mean?"
"He hasn't got coals for eyes like my one, he's only got holes that you poked with your finger. What's that all about? Nobody's eyes look like that. You gay bender."
"Well nobody's eyes look like coals either."
(At this point the person just does a 'bothered' gesture and goes about his business, leaving me emotionally distraught and confused.)
So yeah I suppose that could be a backlash of the proposed snowman-related amendment to the laws of physics, but if God is so FUCKING omni-benevolent (try and say that really quickly) then he'd make another change to the laws of physics to right this wrong, such as by making that nasty person's snowman horrifically assault him or something.
....
Look leave me alone alright I'm not a fucking politician.
Anyway yeah wouldn't it be good if there definitely was a God and he used his powers to do useless stuff like that instead of getting rid of all the evil in the world and stuff? That's what I'd do I reckon, or just stroll into a pub and steal everybody's pint knowing that they couldn't do fuck-all back because I'd wipe them from the very fabric of existence.
I wonder what a snowman's favourite sort of food would be?
(Somebody jokingly suggests ice-cream)
What? Why? I don't get it.
So yes, working with the idea that there IS definitely a God despite everything Richard Dawkins says (more like Richard DORK-ins, are you with me??!) I propose that God changes the laws of physics to the extent that once you build a snowman it stays there instead of melting when it gets a bit hotter. Just imagine it, you could built the most elaborate snowman of all time and he'd be there FOREVER. You look out your window, he's there. You go to the toilet, he's there. You watch Snog Marry Avoid, he's right there with you calling the girls on it "disgusting orange slags that should be ashamed of themselves." How good would that be?
Then again there might be unforeseen circumstances, such as the possibility of your status in society being dictated by how good your snowman is.
"Oy, Kirk! You fucking loser!" says a person.
"....What's going on, why am I being called a loser, I don't go to school anymore."
"Yeah but your snowman is shit, he looks like a queer nonce."
"How do you mean?"
"He hasn't got coals for eyes like my one, he's only got holes that you poked with your finger. What's that all about? Nobody's eyes look like that. You gay bender."
"Well nobody's eyes look like coals either."
(At this point the person just does a 'bothered' gesture and goes about his business, leaving me emotionally distraught and confused.)
So yeah I suppose that could be a backlash of the proposed snowman-related amendment to the laws of physics, but if God is so FUCKING omni-benevolent (try and say that really quickly) then he'd make another change to the laws of physics to right this wrong, such as by making that nasty person's snowman horrifically assault him or something.
....
Look leave me alone alright I'm not a fucking politician.
Anyway yeah wouldn't it be good if there definitely was a God and he used his powers to do useless stuff like that instead of getting rid of all the evil in the world and stuff? That's what I'd do I reckon, or just stroll into a pub and steal everybody's pint knowing that they couldn't do fuck-all back because I'd wipe them from the very fabric of existence.
I wonder what a snowman's favourite sort of food would be?
(Somebody jokingly suggests ice-cream)
What? Why? I don't get it.
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