My Thoughts On The General Election

Nah I don't have any to be honest, because I'm just your standard lad and I'm too busy watching football and drinking and having a laugh with my mates and that. When I'm not doing that I also really enjoy boobs and fast cars, so yeah I ain't got the time to be thinking about BORING politics. Incidentally, who wants to go to Oceana tonight?
But in all seriousness, after watching (some of) that debate thing all I could think about was the fact that David Cameron's face is way too small for his head. It looks like somebody stretched a pink canvas across a ridiculously tall wall and then drew the tiny face of a sparrow in the middle, don't you think? He really ought to have considered this before deciding to appear on television. I imagine whilst the debate was going on the producer was yelling in the presenter's earpiece saying stuff like: "Try and make him look less like a massive wall-face!"
And the presenter would subtly put his hand over his mouth and ask "How should I do that?"
"I don't fucking know just do something he looks ridiculous aaarghh, cut to commercial!"
"I can't, Gordon Brown just brought up something irrelevant again, it'd be ridiculous to cut now,"
"Aaaarghhhhhhhh"
Well that's what I'd like to think was going on anyway, I don't know how often live-television producers resort to just hollering 'aaargh' into the presenter's ear, it'd be somewhat distracting.
"Aaaargh now he looks a bit like he could be related to Jeremy Kyle, people are gonna be thinking they're watching Jeremy Kyle!"
"I don't think they will."
They should have made Jeremy Kyle present the debate actually, he could've done that bit when he bangs on about the results of the lie detector and it's well tense even though they don't use tense music or nuffink.
"So Nick Clegg, you are saying you DON'T have a wooden leg, despite the fact that it would be great because we could make a limerick out of it......but we have the results from the lie-detector right here...." says Jeremy, retrieving the ominous sheet of paper from some fucker. Nick Clegg is sweating like mad.
"And the results prove....that you DON'T have a wooden leg."
(Applause, Nick Clegg is hugged by a loved one.)
"Now join us after the break where we'll be finding out whether or not Gordon Brown has a glass eye."
"No, I actually do have a glass eye," Gordon interjects.
"Well we'll see," Jeremy says, attempting to wrap it up for the camera with one of those perversely sincere looks so they can go to commercial, but Gordon interrupts again.
"This is pointless, I definitely do have a glass eye."
"We'll find out whether you're telling the truth when we get the results, I said," says Jeremy in the tone he uses when usually accusing people of being 'scum'.
"Can I just say," David Cameron pipes up, "When they asked me on the lie detector whether or not I'm a nobhead I was really nervous anyway because I was thinking about my upcoming exams, so my results probably aren't very accurate."
"Excuses excuses!!!" chants literally everybody in the audience, causing his pink wall-face to deepen in colour to a severe crimson.
Aaaaaah politics.