Meat vs. Coal

I think we all already know who'd win this fight.
That's right, meat.
And why? Because there's not much coal left, because the human race are doing a fine job in hollowing out the Earth and draining it of all its natural resources.
Essentially then, I think this fight is a bit of a write-off and shouldn't be allowed to take place. The last thing we need is for more coal to get wasted in a meaningless scrap with a hamburger. However, this almost-fight has helped to hammer home the fact that we need to start thinking about alternative fuels and energy-saving methods if we're going to keep our plastic-powered world going for much longer, and so I think this is as good an opportunity as ever to get our mother-fuckin' thinking caps on.
Here are some of my suggestions for ways of combating this problem:
-Stop using loads of coal and that
-Instead of turning your lights off all the time, always keep them on. This will reduce the amount of times you will have to turn them back on again.
-As a replacement for using your heating, start a huge fire in your house. If you struggle to keep this fire going, be sure to use lots of coal
-Shit bands' concerts use lots of power, probably. Consequently, I propose that the following bands shouldn't be allowed to perform anymore: The Courteeners, Bloc Party (they went shit, admit it), any bands from Wales, My Chemical Romance, etc.
-Leave it out.
I hope those suggestions are helpful. Maybe if Gordon Brown came up with some cracking policies like these he wouldn't have to be worried about not getting re-elected and that.
(Gordon Brown smashes through the window to confront me)
"What have you been fucking saying about me?" growls Gordon.
"I said you might not get re-elected."
"Why don't you say it to my face?"
"I just did."
"Yeah, and what."
"What?"
"Enough of this, I bet I can eat more porridge than you," he says, fetching a little pot full of Quaker's faster than anything I've ever seen.
"Why are you conforming to racial stereotypes Mr. Brown?"
"Fine, I bet I can toss the caber further than you."
"That sounds a bit gay..."
"There's just no fucking pleasing you is there," he says, and draws out a massive machine-gun. I think my days are numbered here, but all of a sudden Nick Clegg smashes through another one of my windows to join in.
"Yeah you lot can pay for all of this damage by the way," I say, but I am silenced by Nick Clegg pumping up a shotgun menacingly.
"Alright motherfucker, it's time to Build A Fairer Britain out of your smokin' carcass," he drawls in a menacing American action-hero voice. Not sure why he's putting the voice on. Gordon Brown lets loose with his machine-gun, but Nick Clegg is quicker off the mark and he dives out of the line of fire and unloads into Gordon's Scottish stomach.
"Aaaaaarghhhhhh," howls Gordon Brown, sounding a bit like what Arnold Schwarzenegger would if he came from the highlands. David Cameron doesn't turn up because he's busy scrubbing all the graffiti off of his posters. This means it's just me and Clegg left in my destroyed living room, him still holding a smoking shotgun and Gordon Brown dead on the floor.
Things get a bit awkward.
"So, how's your degree going?" Clegg asks.
"Not too bad I suppose."
"I did Anthropology at Cambridge, you know."
"Did ya."