We all know the story of Adam and Eve; how Satan, disguised as a snake, convinced Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge and thus cause mankind to be cast out of the Garden of Eden forever. First of all, where was Adam at this point? They were the only two people alive at that point, what the fuck was he doing, talking to a fucking flower? And secondly, if God didn't want Eve to be messing about with the tree of knowledge he should've put an electric fence around it rather than just be all like "yeah leave the tree alright?" before poncing off to do fuck-all for the rest of eternity except moan.
But anyway, I'm digressing. I want to discuss how different EVERYTHING would have been if the tree of knowledge's fruit were pineapples rather than the generally agreed-upon apples. Apples are fucking easy to eat, you just get one and start eating it. Pineapples, however, are a different kettle of fish (well, not fish, because they're pineapples) altogether.
"Eve," says Satan in snake form.
"What?" asks Eve. Her and Adam haven't learnt manners yet, they haven't been alive for that long. Satan is taken aback a little bit by her aggressive tone.
"Urm. Alright?" he continues.
"Yeah, fine. What is it?" she asks. Satan, being a disgusting perve, keeps looking at her tits as he's talking to her.
"Well..." he starts, flustered.
"Why are you looking at my tits?"
"I wasn't. I'm a snake, I look at snake's tits."
"They don't have any do they?"
"Look this is irrelevant, what I was gonna say is, don't you think it'd be a good idea if you ate some fruit from the tree of knowledge?"
"God said I shouldn't though didn't he?"
"Oh 'God said I shouldn't'. If God said you should jump off a cliff would you do it?"
"Well, yeah probably. I dunno really, I haven't learnt how to think about stuff for myself just yet because all I've had to do thus far in my life is wander about in the nip with Adam. To be honest I'm getting a bit bored..."
"Well, you may as well eat some of the fruit then, don't you think? Why wouldn't you? It'll be well funny. Quickly, go on," Satan urges, gesturing with his snake-head and making suggestive eyes. Eve shrugs and heads towards the tree. She looks at the fruit.
"Ummm..." she says.
"What?" asks Satan, sweating and getting a little bit edgy in case God sees (which he would have done if he was omniscient like the bible says. Plot hole #3).
"How exactly do I eat it?"
Satan is perplexed by this inquest and slithers over to the tree. He glances to the fruit and is baffled.
"What the fuck..." he says to himself. With the fruit being pineapples they're ridiculously spikey-looking and a bit massive.
"Exactly. Are you sure I'm meant to eat them?"
"Well...they're fruit so, yeah. Of course. Just get one down and have a go at it," Satan says, looking around nervously. Eve gets one and attempts to take a bite.
"Ow. What the fuck? Fuck this, these are shit. This was a shit idea Mr. Snake," she says and throws it down in a huff. Adam emerges from the forest.
"What's going on?" he asks in a bewildered fashion. Adam is basically Ross from Friends.
"This stupid fucking snake tried to get me to eat what must be the shittest fruit I've ever seen," Eve explains. Adam just gawps like a cunt. Satan is understandably quite perturbed at this point.
"This is ridiculous! There must be some way of eating this fucking thing, it's a fruit. Let me try," he says, and starts grappling with it, but because he's a snake he doesn't get far. By this point the noise generated by this whole episode has risen to such levels that God gets involved.
"You lot are taking the piss. I was having a lie-in after all this creating I've done and now you've woken me up. What the fuck is the problem?" he asks. Adam says fuck all so Eve explains.
"That snake was trying to get me to eat that shit fruit from the tree of knowledge," she says. Satan literally shits himself.
"Nah nah I weren't, like! I was just having a laugh!"
"Well it's a bloody good thing you didn't Eve, coz otherwise I would've banished you from the Garden of Eden," God says whilst chucking Satan out of said garden in the manner of a bouncer removing a particularly drunken chav from Oceana.
"Oh right."
"Yeah. So basically don't bother trying that again. Laters and taters you lot," God says and disappears in a puff smoke, becoming completely unreachable to humanity once again unless you do something you weren't supposed to.
"That was a close one!" remarks Adam, now seemingly much more like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. He's a useless tosser, basically.
But yeah, because Eve never ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge, mankind were never banished from the Garden of Eden. Consequently, nothing exciting ever ever happened and there was a niggling feeling in the depths of Adam and Eve's soul that there was something missing in their lives (crack). Altogether now, here's to you, pineapple! You elusive, hard-to-eat, but delicious fruit which has the capability to induce heart-burn!
(Kirk raises a toast to the pineapple.....WITH A PINA COLODA!!!!)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment