Leave It Out

"Ladies and gentlemen, the new president of the world, Kirk Steaggles!" says an official announcer-type guy to the absolutely huge crowd gathered in Time Square, New York. I step up to the podium to mad applause, but I'm eating a sausage roll or something and I'm wearing trackies.
"Alright?" I say into the large collection of microphones sprouting out of the podium. The applause dies down to a reverent hush as the crowd anticipate what ought to be a rousing speech.
"Yeah urm, basically seeing as I'm now president of the world after all the nations united in world peace and that, I thought I should probably do some laws and that..." I say, finishing off the sausage roll and taking out some old receipts with stuff scrawled on in biro from my pocket. A smattering of applause.
"Yeah okay the first law is that everybody should basically 'leave it out'...." I start, much to the bafflement of the largely America crowd.
"Leave what out?" asks a guy at the front.
"Settle down...." I stammer, aimlessly shuffling the crumpled-up receipts. They're mostly receipts from Sainsburies for sausage rolls and cornish pasties by the way. Not that that's really of any importance.
"I just mean you shouldn't be 'out of order'...." I say, yet again baffling the crowd.
"What do you mean 'out of order'...like a broken-down machine or something? When is anybody ever like that anyway?" asks another bloke at the front who looks like a cunt.
"Look shut the fuck up a minute will you..." I say, instantly regretting it when the large mass of people get a bit tetchy, "No no, I don't mean literally shut the fuck up....well I do, but...." things get worse as the crowd start muttering things and the official announcer guy gives me a concerned look.
"What I'm trying to say is that it's now illegal to 'give it large', so there'll be less fights in pubs and football matches and that..."
"Pub? What's that? And do you mean American football or soccer?" asks a woman at the front who should really be in a kitchen anyway.
"How the fuck did this chump get elected?" asks a hot-shot New York lawyer.
"Okay look we'll forget about that law for now, but another one is that you're not allowed to pick on people, so there won't be any bullying," I say, trying to recuperate. I have good intentions you see I'm just not really taking language barriers into account, which I really ought to have if I'm going to be president of the world.
"How will this law be enforced?"
"Urm....death?" I say, having not really thought about it. This is met with absolute disgust of course.
"Okay I think we should stop this here..." the announcer man cuts in, and I'm ushered away by a pair of security guards. As they do my trousers fall down and I stumble a bit.
"I think the president needs a bit of time to prepare himself, so for now why don't we all just forget that ever happened and talk amongst ourselves for a while," the announcer man says. Everyone shrugs and they engage in conversations with each other, mostly about the dodgy weather of late.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that being president of the world would be really hard.