"Ladies and gentlemen, the new president of the world, Kirk Steaggles!" says an official announcer-type guy to the absolutely huge crowd gathered in Time Square, New York. I step up to the podium to mad applause, but I'm eating a sausage roll or something and I'm wearing trackies.
"Alright?" I say into the large collection of microphones sprouting out of the podium. The applause dies down to a reverent hush as the crowd anticipate what ought to be a rousing speech.
"Yeah urm, basically seeing as I'm now president of the world after all the nations united in world peace and that, I thought I should probably do some laws and that..." I say, finishing off the sausage roll and taking out some old receipts with stuff scrawled on in biro from my pocket. A smattering of applause.
"Yeah okay the first law is that everybody should basically 'leave it out'...." I start, much to the bafflement of the largely America crowd.
"Leave what out?" asks a guy at the front.
"Settle down...." I stammer, aimlessly shuffling the crumpled-up receipts. They're mostly receipts from Sainsburies for sausage rolls and cornish pasties by the way. Not that that's really of any importance.
"I just mean you shouldn't be 'out of order'...." I say, yet again baffling the crowd.
"What do you mean 'out of order'...like a broken-down machine or something? When is anybody ever like that anyway?" asks another bloke at the front who looks like a cunt.
"Look shut the fuck up a minute will you..." I say, instantly regretting it when the large mass of people get a bit tetchy, "No no, I don't mean literally shut the fuck up....well I do, but...." things get worse as the crowd start muttering things and the official announcer guy gives me a concerned look.
"What I'm trying to say is that it's now illegal to 'give it large', so there'll be less fights in pubs and football matches and that..."
"Pub? What's that? And do you mean American football or soccer?" asks a woman at the front who should really be in a kitchen anyway.
"How the fuck did this chump get elected?" asks a hot-shot New York lawyer.
"Okay look we'll forget about that law for now, but another one is that you're not allowed to pick on people, so there won't be any bullying," I say, trying to recuperate. I have good intentions you see I'm just not really taking language barriers into account, which I really ought to have if I'm going to be president of the world.
"How will this law be enforced?"
"Urm....death?" I say, having not really thought about it. This is met with absolute disgust of course.
"Okay I think we should stop this here..." the announcer man cuts in, and I'm ushered away by a pair of security guards. As they do my trousers fall down and I stumble a bit.
"I think the president needs a bit of time to prepare himself, so for now why don't we all just forget that ever happened and talk amongst ourselves for a while," the announcer man says. Everyone shrugs and they engage in conversations with each other, mostly about the dodgy weather of late.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that being president of the world would be really hard.
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Giraffe
Mr. Giraffe is making his way to his local supermarket to pick up some bits, such as tea and milk and that. However, on his way to the supermarket he encounters something of a problem. Because of his big stupid neck, he all of a sudden gets his head caught in a tree.
"Fuck, this is well embarrassing," he thinks, and tries to quickly free himself from the clutching branches. However, his useless horns which aren't even for anything make this exceedingly difficult, and he begins to go bright red underneath his yellow fur at the thought of how fucking stupid he must look trying to tug his head out from the tree. Stuff from the tree starts to fall out and get all over his smart suit (which he only bought yesterday) like leaves and stuff.
"You alright there mate?" asks a passer-by, stifling a laugh.
"Don't laugh mate, give me a break. I am actually properly stuck as well, could you help?" Mr. Giraffe requests, and by this point he's sweating like mad as well so he smells quite bad.
"I'll see what I can do," the man shrugs, and starts tugging at Mr. Giraffe's fucking long neck.
"Take it easy mate!" Mr. Giraffe protests.
"I'm doing the best I can, mate."
"I'm not your mate."
"Well I'm not yours either," the protester snaps, and storms off in a huff. Literally has hurt feelings.
Mr. Giraffe realises he's shot himself in the foot here (or hoof, whatever the fucking stupid cunt has instead of feet) because he's still stuck in the tree and it doesn't look as if anybody else is around.
"I only wanted some tea," he whimpers to himself.
This problem persists for about 2 days.
Now, the reason I've told ya'll this distressing tale is because I thought recently that alot of animals evolved to be quite stupid. Those horns aren't used for anything at all, why doesn't he get rid of them? Similarly, why the HELL does the Rhino think it's necessary to have a horn as big as that, it's not as if he uses it that often because he barely gets started on due to his huge size. It's practically the same thing as Mike Tyson having two swords for arms. Completely unnecessary. Why doesn't God just step up his game a bit, basically? Like by making me win the lottery or something, aaarghh
"Fuck, this is well embarrassing," he thinks, and tries to quickly free himself from the clutching branches. However, his useless horns which aren't even for anything make this exceedingly difficult, and he begins to go bright red underneath his yellow fur at the thought of how fucking stupid he must look trying to tug his head out from the tree. Stuff from the tree starts to fall out and get all over his smart suit (which he only bought yesterday) like leaves and stuff.
"You alright there mate?" asks a passer-by, stifling a laugh.
"Don't laugh mate, give me a break. I am actually properly stuck as well, could you help?" Mr. Giraffe requests, and by this point he's sweating like mad as well so he smells quite bad.
"I'll see what I can do," the man shrugs, and starts tugging at Mr. Giraffe's fucking long neck.
"Take it easy mate!" Mr. Giraffe protests.
"I'm doing the best I can, mate."
"I'm not your mate."
"Well I'm not yours either," the protester snaps, and storms off in a huff. Literally has hurt feelings.
Mr. Giraffe realises he's shot himself in the foot here (or hoof, whatever the fucking stupid cunt has instead of feet) because he's still stuck in the tree and it doesn't look as if anybody else is around.
"I only wanted some tea," he whimpers to himself.
This problem persists for about 2 days.
Now, the reason I've told ya'll this distressing tale is because I thought recently that alot of animals evolved to be quite stupid. Those horns aren't used for anything at all, why doesn't he get rid of them? Similarly, why the HELL does the Rhino think it's necessary to have a horn as big as that, it's not as if he uses it that often because he barely gets started on due to his huge size. It's practically the same thing as Mike Tyson having two swords for arms. Completely unnecessary. Why doesn't God just step up his game a bit, basically? Like by making me win the lottery or something, aaarghh
How Different Things Would Have Been If The Fruit Eve Ate From The Tree Of Knowledge Was A Pineapple
We all know the story of Adam and Eve; how Satan, disguised as a snake, convinced Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge and thus cause mankind to be cast out of the Garden of Eden forever. First of all, where was Adam at this point? They were the only two people alive at that point, what the fuck was he doing, talking to a fucking flower? And secondly, if God didn't want Eve to be messing about with the tree of knowledge he should've put an electric fence around it rather than just be all like "yeah leave the tree alright?" before poncing off to do fuck-all for the rest of eternity except moan.
But anyway, I'm digressing. I want to discuss how different EVERYTHING would have been if the tree of knowledge's fruit were pineapples rather than the generally agreed-upon apples. Apples are fucking easy to eat, you just get one and start eating it. Pineapples, however, are a different kettle of fish (well, not fish, because they're pineapples) altogether.
"Eve," says Satan in snake form.
"What?" asks Eve. Her and Adam haven't learnt manners yet, they haven't been alive for that long. Satan is taken aback a little bit by her aggressive tone.
"Urm. Alright?" he continues.
"Yeah, fine. What is it?" she asks. Satan, being a disgusting perve, keeps looking at her tits as he's talking to her.
"Well..." he starts, flustered.
"Why are you looking at my tits?"
"I wasn't. I'm a snake, I look at snake's tits."
"They don't have any do they?"
"Look this is irrelevant, what I was gonna say is, don't you think it'd be a good idea if you ate some fruit from the tree of knowledge?"
"God said I shouldn't though didn't he?"
"Oh 'God said I shouldn't'. If God said you should jump off a cliff would you do it?"
"Well, yeah probably. I dunno really, I haven't learnt how to think about stuff for myself just yet because all I've had to do thus far in my life is wander about in the nip with Adam. To be honest I'm getting a bit bored..."
"Well, you may as well eat some of the fruit then, don't you think? Why wouldn't you? It'll be well funny. Quickly, go on," Satan urges, gesturing with his snake-head and making suggestive eyes. Eve shrugs and heads towards the tree. She looks at the fruit.
"Ummm..." she says.
"What?" asks Satan, sweating and getting a little bit edgy in case God sees (which he would have done if he was omniscient like the bible says. Plot hole #3).
"How exactly do I eat it?"
Satan is perplexed by this inquest and slithers over to the tree. He glances to the fruit and is baffled.
"What the fuck..." he says to himself. With the fruit being pineapples they're ridiculously spikey-looking and a bit massive.
"Exactly. Are you sure I'm meant to eat them?"
"Well...they're fruit so, yeah. Of course. Just get one down and have a go at it," Satan says, looking around nervously. Eve gets one and attempts to take a bite.
"Ow. What the fuck? Fuck this, these are shit. This was a shit idea Mr. Snake," she says and throws it down in a huff. Adam emerges from the forest.
"What's going on?" he asks in a bewildered fashion. Adam is basically Ross from Friends.
"This stupid fucking snake tried to get me to eat what must be the shittest fruit I've ever seen," Eve explains. Adam just gawps like a cunt. Satan is understandably quite perturbed at this point.
"This is ridiculous! There must be some way of eating this fucking thing, it's a fruit. Let me try," he says, and starts grappling with it, but because he's a snake he doesn't get far. By this point the noise generated by this whole episode has risen to such levels that God gets involved.
"You lot are taking the piss. I was having a lie-in after all this creating I've done and now you've woken me up. What the fuck is the problem?" he asks. Adam says fuck all so Eve explains.
"That snake was trying to get me to eat that shit fruit from the tree of knowledge," she says. Satan literally shits himself.
"Nah nah I weren't, like! I was just having a laugh!"
"Well it's a bloody good thing you didn't Eve, coz otherwise I would've banished you from the Garden of Eden," God says whilst chucking Satan out of said garden in the manner of a bouncer removing a particularly drunken chav from Oceana.
"Oh right."
"Yeah. So basically don't bother trying that again. Laters and taters you lot," God says and disappears in a puff smoke, becoming completely unreachable to humanity once again unless you do something you weren't supposed to.
"That was a close one!" remarks Adam, now seemingly much more like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. He's a useless tosser, basically.
But yeah, because Eve never ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge, mankind were never banished from the Garden of Eden. Consequently, nothing exciting ever ever happened and there was a niggling feeling in the depths of Adam and Eve's soul that there was something missing in their lives (crack). Altogether now, here's to you, pineapple! You elusive, hard-to-eat, but delicious fruit which has the capability to induce heart-burn!
(Kirk raises a toast to the pineapple.....WITH A PINA COLODA!!!!)
But anyway, I'm digressing. I want to discuss how different EVERYTHING would have been if the tree of knowledge's fruit were pineapples rather than the generally agreed-upon apples. Apples are fucking easy to eat, you just get one and start eating it. Pineapples, however, are a different kettle of fish (well, not fish, because they're pineapples) altogether.
"Eve," says Satan in snake form.
"What?" asks Eve. Her and Adam haven't learnt manners yet, they haven't been alive for that long. Satan is taken aback a little bit by her aggressive tone.
"Urm. Alright?" he continues.
"Yeah, fine. What is it?" she asks. Satan, being a disgusting perve, keeps looking at her tits as he's talking to her.
"Well..." he starts, flustered.
"Why are you looking at my tits?"
"I wasn't. I'm a snake, I look at snake's tits."
"They don't have any do they?"
"Look this is irrelevant, what I was gonna say is, don't you think it'd be a good idea if you ate some fruit from the tree of knowledge?"
"God said I shouldn't though didn't he?"
"Oh 'God said I shouldn't'. If God said you should jump off a cliff would you do it?"
"Well, yeah probably. I dunno really, I haven't learnt how to think about stuff for myself just yet because all I've had to do thus far in my life is wander about in the nip with Adam. To be honest I'm getting a bit bored..."
"Well, you may as well eat some of the fruit then, don't you think? Why wouldn't you? It'll be well funny. Quickly, go on," Satan urges, gesturing with his snake-head and making suggestive eyes. Eve shrugs and heads towards the tree. She looks at the fruit.
"Ummm..." she says.
"What?" asks Satan, sweating and getting a little bit edgy in case God sees (which he would have done if he was omniscient like the bible says. Plot hole #3).
"How exactly do I eat it?"
Satan is perplexed by this inquest and slithers over to the tree. He glances to the fruit and is baffled.
"What the fuck..." he says to himself. With the fruit being pineapples they're ridiculously spikey-looking and a bit massive.
"Exactly. Are you sure I'm meant to eat them?"
"Well...they're fruit so, yeah. Of course. Just get one down and have a go at it," Satan says, looking around nervously. Eve gets one and attempts to take a bite.
"Ow. What the fuck? Fuck this, these are shit. This was a shit idea Mr. Snake," she says and throws it down in a huff. Adam emerges from the forest.
"What's going on?" he asks in a bewildered fashion. Adam is basically Ross from Friends.
"This stupid fucking snake tried to get me to eat what must be the shittest fruit I've ever seen," Eve explains. Adam just gawps like a cunt. Satan is understandably quite perturbed at this point.
"This is ridiculous! There must be some way of eating this fucking thing, it's a fruit. Let me try," he says, and starts grappling with it, but because he's a snake he doesn't get far. By this point the noise generated by this whole episode has risen to such levels that God gets involved.
"You lot are taking the piss. I was having a lie-in after all this creating I've done and now you've woken me up. What the fuck is the problem?" he asks. Adam says fuck all so Eve explains.
"That snake was trying to get me to eat that shit fruit from the tree of knowledge," she says. Satan literally shits himself.
"Nah nah I weren't, like! I was just having a laugh!"
"Well it's a bloody good thing you didn't Eve, coz otherwise I would've banished you from the Garden of Eden," God says whilst chucking Satan out of said garden in the manner of a bouncer removing a particularly drunken chav from Oceana.
"Oh right."
"Yeah. So basically don't bother trying that again. Laters and taters you lot," God says and disappears in a puff smoke, becoming completely unreachable to humanity once again unless you do something you weren't supposed to.
"That was a close one!" remarks Adam, now seemingly much more like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. He's a useless tosser, basically.
But yeah, because Eve never ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge, mankind were never banished from the Garden of Eden. Consequently, nothing exciting ever ever happened and there was a niggling feeling in the depths of Adam and Eve's soul that there was something missing in their lives (crack). Altogether now, here's to you, pineapple! You elusive, hard-to-eat, but delicious fruit which has the capability to induce heart-burn!
(Kirk raises a toast to the pineapple.....WITH A PINA COLODA!!!!)
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