I Could Beat Up Zeus In A Fight

Before you lose your temper at the outrageous claim I've made in the title of this note, consider the following things:
1. Zeus is well old, I bet he gets tired quicker than I do and would keep banging on about his back
2. Zeus only ever wears a toga so if I decide to fight him in the frozen plains of Northern Russia (which I probably will) he'll be proper cold and unable to defend himself against my vicious slaps (which incidentally will hurt even more because of the cold especially if I get him on the nipple)
3. Zeus has got a shit beard which would probably catch fire really easily if I get matches involved, which has been known to happen
4. Zeus doesn't exist so I win be default
There you go you see, I'm basically harder than the lord of Mount Olympus and the mightiest of all the Greek Gods. That's pretty good isn't it? The next time I'm feeling a bit down I'll just reflect upon this fact and cheer myself up. Well, either that or do a Facebook status saying something like "Cud dis day get n e worse?? :( xx." and wait for all my girliez to reply saying "Wat's up babez? xx."
Anyway whilst we're on the topic of Zeus, I've got a few bones to pick with him. First of all, why does he keep pissing about with lightning bolts? They're ridiculously dangerous. Did you know they can heat up the air around them to ridiculous temperatures like 50,000 degrees, which is hotter than the surface of the sun? Being a God and that he obviously knows this, and yet he still opts to ponce about with them as if they're just a fun toy like a Nintendo Piss.
If I was his school-teacher I'd give him a right clip round the ear-hole and send him to the naughty wall. Hades would be all like: "AAAAAAHAAA!!! Zeus got sent to the naughty wall!!!" and would be proper pointing and laughing at him. You've literally never seen somebody point so much.
But yeah secondly Mr. Zeus, literally what are you playing at with that beard? You're the lord of Mount Olympus, show that you've put a bit of effort in. At least buy one of those new beard trimmers so you can get a designer stubble like David Beckham or David Blaine or another David. Until you do, you ought to be embarrassed every time you show your face in public looking like a hung-over Alan Sugar.
My third and final bone to pick however is the most important one. When you existed back in Ancient Greek times, why didn't you ever throw any mental parties? Seems to me that you wasted your period of existence a bit by just dicking around with bolts of lightning and togas. You could have had absolutely mental parties with Angelina Jolie there and everything, and swimming pools filled up with wine and stuff, so why didn't you, you celestial nobhead? What a senseless waste of deity-ism.
I might have to go and see the head of Classics at Oxford University about this and see what he has to say about it.
(Jump-cut to a shot of Kirk getting senselessly beaten by the head of Classics at Oxford who is a massive skinhead)

A Proposal For Change In The Laws Of Physics

If there is a God almighty who's omnipotent and all that jazz, why doesn't he ever occasionally have a little fun and completely change the laws of physics every week or so? Surely if God's been alive and well for eternity he must be a bit bored by now. I'm only 20 and I'm starting to find many a-thing quite fucking boring, so imagine how he/she/Nadia-from-Big-Brother feels!
So yes, working with the idea that there IS definitely a God despite everything Richard Dawkins says (more like Richard DORK-ins, are you with me??!) I propose that God changes the laws of physics to the extent that once you build a snowman it stays there instead of melting when it gets a bit hotter. Just imagine it, you could built the most elaborate snowman of all time and he'd be there FOREVER. You look out your window, he's there. You go to the toilet, he's there. You watch Snog Marry Avoid, he's right there with you calling the girls on it "disgusting orange slags that should be ashamed of themselves." How good would that be?
Then again there might be unforeseen circumstances, such as the possibility of your status in society being dictated by how good your snowman is.
"Oy, Kirk! You fucking loser!" says a person.
"....What's going on, why am I being called a loser, I don't go to school anymore."
"Yeah but your snowman is shit, he looks like a queer nonce."
"How do you mean?"
"He hasn't got coals for eyes like my one, he's only got holes that you poked with your finger. What's that all about? Nobody's eyes look like that. You gay bender."
"Well nobody's eyes look like coals either."
(At this point the person just does a 'bothered' gesture and goes about his business, leaving me emotionally distraught and confused.)
So yeah I suppose that could be a backlash of the proposed snowman-related amendment to the laws of physics, but if God is so FUCKING omni-benevolent (try and say that really quickly) then he'd make another change to the laws of physics to right this wrong, such as by making that nasty person's snowman horrifically assault him or something.
....
Look leave me alone alright I'm not a fucking politician.
Anyway yeah wouldn't it be good if there definitely was a God and he used his powers to do useless stuff like that instead of getting rid of all the evil in the world and stuff? That's what I'd do I reckon, or just stroll into a pub and steal everybody's pint knowing that they couldn't do fuck-all back because I'd wipe them from the very fabric of existence.
I wonder what a snowman's favourite sort of food would be?
(Somebody jokingly suggests ice-cream)
What? Why? I don't get it.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-Park

How gutted would you be if you were some nutcase Professor and you came up with a potion which you were certain would turn you into some super-strong freak but it just turned you into Hyde Park.
"Finally, all my life's work has been realised, and is culminated in this one potion!" says Dr. Jekyll, and takes a huge swig. However, quite quickly he turns into Hyde Park.
"Shit," he whispers, hoping that nobody notices he's turned into Hyde Park.
"'Scuse me sir, you alright in there?" one of his man-servants asks, proper timidly knocking on the door.
"What? Yeah, I'm fine, don't come in!!" Jekyll yells, but unfortunately the man-servant can't really understand him because he doesn't understand the language of parks so he just strolls in and witnesses the monstrosity that is now Dr. Jekyll.
"Oh my gawd!" the man-servant cries, doing that classic melodramatic gesture where he shields his face with both arms when he could've just closed his eyes. "You've turned into Hyde Park!"
"Yeah alright don't go on about it."
Dr. Jekyll tries to put some clothes on to cover up the fact that he's turned into Hyde Park but all the trees keep getting in the way and the ducks in the ponds make a proper fuss about being covered up.
"Fucking hell," he says to himself.
"Dr. Jekyll what are you going to do about that date you have tonight with that ridiculously fit girl?" the man-servant inquires.
"I don't fucking know do I? I've only been Hyde Park for about a minute, give me some time to adjust," he protests, but to the man-servant it sounds like nought but the rustle of wind through the leaves and perhaps an annoying brass band in one of the band-stands.
"What did you say sir?" the man-servant asks. Dr. Jekyll just sighs, which for some reason sounds like a really really loud goose honking, and the man-servant runs off.
Yeah I think the book would've been better if it was about that.

Absolute Turtle

I want to know what God thought he was playing at when he came up with the turtle. Most creatures seem to make sense and stuff, like they can move at a reasonable speed and they don't lay their eggs in ridiculously dangerous places and then wander off just hoping that the hundred natural predators in that area don't eat them. Turtles are a fucking joke.
"God, why have you made a ridiculously massive and shelled creature who can't move any faster than a crawl on land lay their eggs there?"
"What?"
"Well I mean, it's just asking for trouble isn't it?"
"Why don't you just get off my fucking case Gabriel."
And to add insult to injury, they live until they're about 100, just hanging around doing fuck all and being massive and wearing a shell and shit. Now tigers, they're good. They don't live that long but they look fucking wicked and they have one hell of a mental life while they're at it.
"I might catch an animal and eat it, I might not, I might starve for another week, I just don’t know at this point. This is mental," thinks the tiger, every fucking day.
The turtle however, thinks something more along these lines: "Urm...might swim here for a bit. Maybe I'll traipse around on a beach for a couple hours and hide in my fucking shell. Dunno really. Not that bothered."
What's the point in that? I wonder what God decided on first, making him really fucking slow or giving him a massive shell, because he could've just made him a bit faster and then he wouldn't need the fucking thing would he. My theory is that God was ridiculously hung-over when he came up with the turtle (having been celebrating all night after coming up with the tiger) and he was just pissing about.
"God are you sure you want to make it THAT slow?"
"....Hmm? What? Yeah, whatever. I don't even care if he's got a fucking massive shell or something stupid like that," he says, nursing his head. The angel shrugs and complies.
"How do you want them to reproduce?"
"Lay some fucking eggs on a predator-infested beach or some shit, I don't fucking care."
Lucifer (who had not yet revolted at this point) steps in here.
"God, are you serious? Can't you come up with another absolute corker, like the tiger? That was a triumph, I must say," Lucifer says. By the way at this point Lucifer was an all-round reasonable chap and hadn't done anything wrong.
"Oy, Lucifer, I've got an idea for you. Shut the fucking fuck up, for the love of tits," God yells, putting a pillow over his head. "You know what Lucifer, I wouldn't even give two fucks if you rebelled against me or something."
Lucifer loses his rag now.
"Yeah, well maybe I will! You're just being unreasonable!"
"Piss off!!" God says and flashes him the 'V'.
So yeah it was basically because of turtles that Lucifer revolted and then got sent to Hell which in turn made him seek revenge on God's creation of mankind and instigate original sin which got us kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Altogether now.....and cheeeeers turtle.

Be Still My Bleating Heart

Imagine if you woke up one day and you're absolutely completely certain that your heart has transformed into a sheep. You're not exactly sure why you know this to be a fact, but it definitely is. You get up, feeling really groggy on account of your heart being a sheep, and head to the bathroom mirror. You look absolutely terrible.
"Urgh. I hope my heart hasn't turned into a sheep," you say, with your last strain of optimism. However, just as you say this, you hear an absolute muffled bleat come from your chest.
"Oh for God's sake."
So, quite understandably you head down to the doctors immediately to see what you can do about this. The doctor X-Rays you and you go over the results.
"Hmm. Yes it would seem that your heart has indeed transformed into a sheep."
"Be straight with me doc, how long have I got?"
"Until what?"
"...Well you know....until I kick the bucket?"
The doctor looks slightly concerned here and moves his bucket away from you.
"No no, not literally. I mean, is it life-threatening?"
"Oh heavens no. It would seem that this sheep has learnt quite quickly how to operate as a fully-functioning human heart. The only problem is you may be coughing up a lot of wool in the coming months."
"Oh right."
So you stroll out of the doctor's feeling quite confident about your new sheep heart, but you forgot one thing.
You're a vegetarian.
Absolute crisis of conscience.
You literally run straight back into the doctor.
"Doc! You've gotta save this poor sheep!"
"Son, if I take that sheep out, you'll die."
(Does anybody see a hit blockbuster film spawning out of this?)
"Oh... be still my bleating heart."
So you head home, having an absolute terrible time trying to come to terms with the ethical implications of you having a sheep for a heart. Unfortunately, just as you're walking past some animal-rights activists your sheep-heart lets out the mightiest of bleats.
"Oy, mate, have you got a sheep trapped in your ribcage?" the leader asks, who's a terrifying skinhead for some reason.
"Well....yes, but it isn't my fault, I just woke up with it in there!" you SHEEPISHLY reply. Hahaaa.
"I'm gonna fucking kill you for that you disgusting pig!" the leader shouts.
"Umm...surely as animal-rights activists we shouldn't call people animal names in a derogatory sense?" his right-hand man questions. The skinhead goes bright red at this point, which luckily gives you the chance to absolutely leg it.
When you get home your parents are really concerned about you.
"Why didn't you go to school today? You look very ill."
"Mummmmmmmm, I don't wanna talk about it!"
(The biggest bleat of all time erupts from your chest.)
"What the fucking fuck was that???!" your dad yelps.
"Nothinggggg, you're embarassing meee!!!" you say.
"Our son's been doing witchcraft, I know it! You've been hanging around with them Satanist foreigners haven't you?!!!" says your dad, literally on the verge of tears, "I'm gonna tell the Daily Mail about this!"
You stomp off to your room and put Nirvana on really loud. However, to your horror, you realise that you'd rather listen to Ba-Ba Black Sheep.
"Son, I've called the Daily Mail, they say they're gonna put you on the front page. And by the way, your mother has decided you're not having any supper tonight for being such a little shit," your dad calls up.
"Bloody hell. Could this day get any worse?" you ask yourself.
BUT THEN!!!!!!! You wake up, and realise you were just suffering from crack delusion.
The sheep next to you goes, "My God man, this crack is mental."
"Just a bit."

Remember when Cheryl Cole beat up that woman?

Because I do