I Could Beat Up Zeus In A Fight

Before you lose your temper at the outrageous claim I've made in the title of this note, consider the following things:
1. Zeus is well old, I bet he gets tired quicker than I do and would keep banging on about his back
2. Zeus only ever wears a toga so if I decide to fight him in the frozen plains of Northern Russia (which I probably will) he'll be proper cold and unable to defend himself against my vicious slaps (which incidentally will hurt even more because of the cold especially if I get him on the nipple)
3. Zeus has got a shit beard which would probably catch fire really easily if I get matches involved, which has been known to happen
4. Zeus doesn't exist so I win be default
There you go you see, I'm basically harder than the lord of Mount Olympus and the mightiest of all the Greek Gods. That's pretty good isn't it? The next time I'm feeling a bit down I'll just reflect upon this fact and cheer myself up. Well, either that or do a Facebook status saying something like "Cud dis day get n e worse?? :( xx." and wait for all my girliez to reply saying "Wat's up babez? xx."
Anyway whilst we're on the topic of Zeus, I've got a few bones to pick with him. First of all, why does he keep pissing about with lightning bolts? They're ridiculously dangerous. Did you know they can heat up the air around them to ridiculous temperatures like 50,000 degrees, which is hotter than the surface of the sun? Being a God and that he obviously knows this, and yet he still opts to ponce about with them as if they're just a fun toy like a Nintendo Piss.
If I was his school-teacher I'd give him a right clip round the ear-hole and send him to the naughty wall. Hades would be all like: "AAAAAAHAAA!!! Zeus got sent to the naughty wall!!!" and would be proper pointing and laughing at him. You've literally never seen somebody point so much.
But yeah secondly Mr. Zeus, literally what are you playing at with that beard? You're the lord of Mount Olympus, show that you've put a bit of effort in. At least buy one of those new beard trimmers so you can get a designer stubble like David Beckham or David Blaine or another David. Until you do, you ought to be embarrassed every time you show your face in public looking like a hung-over Alan Sugar.
My third and final bone to pick however is the most important one. When you existed back in Ancient Greek times, why didn't you ever throw any mental parties? Seems to me that you wasted your period of existence a bit by just dicking around with bolts of lightning and togas. You could have had absolutely mental parties with Angelina Jolie there and everything, and swimming pools filled up with wine and stuff, so why didn't you, you celestial nobhead? What a senseless waste of deity-ism.
I might have to go and see the head of Classics at Oxford University about this and see what he has to say about it.
(Jump-cut to a shot of Kirk getting senselessly beaten by the head of Classics at Oxford who is a massive skinhead)