Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Absolute Turtle

I want to know what God thought he was playing at when he came up with the turtle. Most creatures seem to make sense and stuff, like they can move at a reasonable speed and they don't lay their eggs in ridiculously dangerous places and then wander off just hoping that the hundred natural predators in that area don't eat them. Turtles are a fucking joke.
"God, why have you made a ridiculously massive and shelled creature who can't move any faster than a crawl on land lay their eggs there?"
"What?"
"Well I mean, it's just asking for trouble isn't it?"
"Why don't you just get off my fucking case Gabriel."
And to add insult to injury, they live until they're about 100, just hanging around doing fuck all and being massive and wearing a shell and shit. Now tigers, they're good. They don't live that long but they look fucking wicked and they have one hell of a mental life while they're at it.
"I might catch an animal and eat it, I might not, I might starve for another week, I just don’t know at this point. This is mental," thinks the tiger, every fucking day.
The turtle however, thinks something more along these lines: "Urm...might swim here for a bit. Maybe I'll traipse around on a beach for a couple hours and hide in my fucking shell. Dunno really. Not that bothered."
What's the point in that? I wonder what God decided on first, making him really fucking slow or giving him a massive shell, because he could've just made him a bit faster and then he wouldn't need the fucking thing would he. My theory is that God was ridiculously hung-over when he came up with the turtle (having been celebrating all night after coming up with the tiger) and he was just pissing about.
"God are you sure you want to make it THAT slow?"
"....Hmm? What? Yeah, whatever. I don't even care if he's got a fucking massive shell or something stupid like that," he says, nursing his head. The angel shrugs and complies.
"How do you want them to reproduce?"
"Lay some fucking eggs on a predator-infested beach or some shit, I don't fucking care."
Lucifer (who had not yet revolted at this point) steps in here.
"God, are you serious? Can't you come up with another absolute corker, like the tiger? That was a triumph, I must say," Lucifer says. By the way at this point Lucifer was an all-round reasonable chap and hadn't done anything wrong.
"Oy, Lucifer, I've got an idea for you. Shut the fucking fuck up, for the love of tits," God yells, putting a pillow over his head. "You know what Lucifer, I wouldn't even give two fucks if you rebelled against me or something."
Lucifer loses his rag now.
"Yeah, well maybe I will! You're just being unreasonable!"
"Piss off!!" God says and flashes him the 'V'.
So yeah it was basically because of turtles that Lucifer revolted and then got sent to Hell which in turn made him seek revenge on God's creation of mankind and instigate original sin which got us kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Altogether now.....and cheeeeers turtle.

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