Assigned by Jonathan Paul Lennon
The main thing to consider when musing on the topic and concept of elevators is 'trust'. Yes indeed, you are trusting a glorified metal box with your life. If the glorified metal box screws up, that's it. Game over.
Why would you do this? It's not like you trust other metal boxes with your life, is it?
"Okay Mr. Industrial Crate, I'm gonna do a spot of bungee jumping, but I haven't got time to tie the rope coz I'm really quite busy at the moment. Would it be alright if you tie it right now? I trust you enough to not have to check that you do it properly. Okay, cool mate, see you in a minute when I bounce back up or something."
(No reply from the industrial crate)
"Okay sorted, here I go!"
And indeed, you would jump to your death. The repercussions of this act would be legion. First of all, what about your student loan? You never payed that back did you? You scum-bag student, rinsing the tax-payer's money. But, as well as this, imagine the guilt Mr. Industrial Crate would feel for not saving your life. He'd spend the rest of his days drinking himself to death in some run-down bar in Texas.
"I coulda caught him, dammit!" he says as he downs another triple whisky.
"Don't be so hard on yourself Mr. Industrial Crate, you haven't got any arms. Or a face," reasons the bar-keep.
"Oh yeah you had to bring that up didn't you?" the crate yells.
"Okay now I didn't mean anything by it."
"SHUT UP!" he says and throws his glass at the big mirror behind the bar. And in the broken shards of the mirror, guess what he sees? Your fucking face.
But anyway, I've digressed somewhat from my original point. What I'm saying is, putting your life in the hands of a big metal box is not commonplace in our society.
So, seeing as generally this isn't the thing to do, surely we should be made to feel better about ourselves when getting into these elevators, these exaggerated metallic tubs? Perhaps by giving them reassuring personalities, such as the personality of Morgan Freeman, we might feel a whole lot more trusting towards these height-scaling entities.
"Hello there. I'm going to take you safely to your destination," says the voice of Morgan Freeman.
"That's good."
"Yes. Yes it is."
How much better would that be? I'd feel better about the whole thing anyway.
The thing is though, Morgan Freeman's personality don't come cheap. After all, he's a very in-demand actor. Whenever a film needs an omniscient voice-over, it's fucking Morgan Freeman isn't it.
Some of the more budget elevators, such as the ones for a shopping-centre car park in Skegness, could probably only afford the personality of somebody like this prize tosser:
So yeah fucking Joe Swash would be all like "Cor blimey, I'm gonna try and take you up to the third floor but I'll probably balls it up like the cheeky chappy I am and accidentally send you plummeting to your death or summink! Corrrr!!"
And yeah, that'd just make things worse I suppose. But then again, why should we trust them anyway? The way they sometimes take a little bit too long to open their doors, the fact that their maximum weight limit is merely an approximate, and the way the just sit there waiting for you.....
Next time I'm gonna take the fuckin' stairs
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