Simon was walking along the pebbly beach front with his hands in his pockets, allowing the breeze to sweep his hair and admiring the sunny view. The thing is though, Simon was one of those guys with the sort of face that looks really depressed all the time, even though he might be perfectly complacent. As a result of this a lot of passers-by thought he was contemplating chucking himself in the sea in a fit of depression.
"You alright mate?" people would be saying as they walked past him.
"Yeah fine thanks," Simon replies, somewhat confused. The person would carry on walking but would literally keep looking back to check he doesn't try and top himself. 'Poor lad,' people think as they see his absolutely sullen face.
Anyway, Simon's strolling along, just passing the time on a lazy Sunday, when suddenly his foot catches something embedded in the stones.
"What's this?" he asks himself. He reaches down and retrieves what looks like an ornamental oil lamp. "Might be worth something," he muses, just as somebody is about to ask him if he's alright coz his thinking face looks even more fucking depressed than his normal one. He begins to polish his lamp (wahey) to get some of the dust off, WHEN SUDDENLY, a motherfucking genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
"Aha! I'm Shalam-Zahai, the powerful genie."
You'd think that Simon would be shocked by a motherfucking genie coming out of a lamp but he's not because it's such a fucking cliche staple of storytelling, so he's not shocked at all and immediately comes to terms with it. This lack of reaction, coupled with Simon's depressed-looking face, provokes to genie to worry about his well-being.
"You alright mate?' he asks. Simon nods.
"Yeah, why?"
".....Nothing, doesn't matter. Anyways, yeah, I'm Shalam-Zahai, the powerful genie. For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you THREE wishes!"
"Oh right."
"......Seriously mate are you okay? You can tell me."
"Yes I'm fine!"
"Alright. I'm just checking coz you look a bit..."
"A bit what?"
"Nothing, nothing. But yeah, THREE wishes. What shall be your first??" Shalam-Zahai asks, doing some sort of genie-pose. By the way, if you're thinking Shalam-Zahai looks exactly like a genie like the one from Alladin you're sort of right but also completely wrong, coz he's got a massive ginger afro. And his shoes don't really suit him either. They're like those ones that River Island do, all 'distressed' looking and with loads of pointless detailing on them. They look a bit too big for him as well. Simon can't help but keep looking at them and Shalam-Zahai notices and gets well self-conscious, but he doesn't wanna let this on because he's meant to be an all-powerful genie who isn't troubled by such trivial matters. But he is.
"Umm...money? I suppose."
".....Could you please specify what you mean by money?"
"Well. I don't know really. Just some money. Quite a lot I suppose."
"Right.....okay. SHAZAMMMM!" he says, and out pops a £50 note. "There you have it!"
Unfortunately, Simon meant considerably more money than this, but he already feels bad about staring at the genie's shoes so blatantly so he does the thing you have to do at Christmas when you pretend you love a present.
"Wow, wicked. Cheers mate."
"What will you have for your second wish?"
"Um. I dunno maybe some more money..."
"But I just gave you some."
"Yeah but..."
"What?"
"Oh no nothing, it doesn't matter, yeah this is fine. Um yeah okay then can I have like a plasma-screen t.v then or something?"
"SHAZAMMM!!" he declares, and a plasma-screen t.v materialises. However, Simon immediately realises that wishing for a t.v in this situation was something of a faux-pas because it's really cumbersome and he's worried it'll get splashed by sea-spray.
"Fucking hell," Simon says (wahey) under his breath.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"Listen mate if you're not gonna appreciate any of these wishes then I just won't bother," Shalam-Zahai says, his eyes tearing up a little bit. Yeah, he's a sensitive genie.
"Don't get like that about it."
"I'm not getting like anything!" he protests, when he literally is.
"You're just like my bloody girlfriend."
"Well I'm not gay."
"I never said you were?"
"Well you kind of did."
"Alright, do you know what, I want my last wish for you to stop fucking bitching."
"Well I'm not granting that."
"Why the fuck not?"
"Just leave it out will you?"
And yeah it turns out Simon doesn't actually have a girlfriend anyway.
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