A simple-minded boy walks into his local newsagents to purchase a can of Coca-Cola. His name is Dennis, and he is what most people of our society would consider a 'chav'. This label is earned when one or more of the following characteristics are displayed: he throws penny sweets at passing strangers, wears joggers tucked into socks, still uses wet-look gel but just to flatten down his number-2-all-over hair etc. etc. (Kirk Steaggles' solicitor would like to point out at this time that he does not condone social labelling or stereotyping of any kind. Everybody is an individual and entirely beautiful on their own merits. Especially Kirk Steaggles and his solicitor.)
So yes, as I was saying, Dennis strolls into his newsagents as he has done many many times before and retrieves a can of Coca-Cola (his favourite fizzy pop) from the refrigerator. The newsagent clerk is rather uneasy because he's quite sure that Dennis has stolen a Mars bar before, which almost sent his entire business into bankruptcy. He's literally always teetering on the edge of complete ruin. He's about to board up the shop every night when somebody buys a 2-litre bottle of Fanta at the last minute which just about keeps him in business.
Anyhow, Dennis intends to buy the Coca-Cola in a fully legal and proper manner, so he brings it to the counter and begins digging for change.
"70p please." Asks the clerk. Dennis double takes for a minute.
"70p? Fucking hell, I remember when these things used to cost 50p." he says. Quite mundane conversation really, obviously with inflation and the credit crunch and that prices will have risen a bit since Dennis was a young'un. But, for some reason this strikes the newsagent clerk as an extremely poignant sentence. He stops dead and stares blankly. Dennis hands the correct change but the clerk does not respond.
"You're right," he says, "You're bloody bloody right."
Things get a bit awkward after this, and Dennis begins to leave promptly. However, the newsagent isn't having this.
"Come back boy! I think me and you are really onto something! Let's do something about this! I can't have things going up by 20p without so much as a by-your-leave! This is anarchy! Let's get ourselves down to that fucking mental thing in Switzerland that can make black holes...." he begins.
"What, the Large Hadron Collider?"
"Yeah, that. Let's go and set the fucker off!"
"But the Large Hadron Collider is unable to create a black hole large enough to cause any damage." (Yeah turns out Dennis is fucking amazing at Physics.)
"We'll see about that!" says the newsagent clerk, and he puts a copy of 'Anarchy in the UK' by the Sex Pistols in his boombox and sprints off to Switzerland. Dennis tags along.
When he gets there the scientists all let him through 'coz he's playing 'Anarchy in the UK' really loud and they're scared of anarchy.
"Right you fuckers! I'm not having prices go up by 20p! It's probably your fault!" he singles out one Swiss scientists, who for the sake of stereotype (which Kirk Steaggles does not condone) is currently eating a chocolate bar using a Swiss army knife and checking the time on a cuckoo clock.
"Anyway! Start it up!" he demands, although 'Anarchy in the UK' is coming to a close at this point so he has to press the skip button to make it play again. The scientists shrug and start it up. The Universe is sucked into a black hole.
And there you have it children, the end of the Universe. The moral of the story is:
Science x Anarchy = End of Universe to the power of 2
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