Saturday, 21 November 2009

Why The World Would Be Completely Different If Jesus Was Bald

Because nobody would've listened to his parables or teachings, they just would've rubbed his head and called him 'Uncle Slaphead', or 'Baldy Christ'. I'm serious.
"So basically the Samaritan helped this bloke even though he was his enemy..."
"Your hair follicles could do with a bit of help, mate!" a complete joker would interject. Now of course after this interruption he was damned for eternity, but he wasn't to know this yet and he spurred the rest of the crowd on.
"Better cover your head up mate, Jerusalem's pretty hot, you'll get sunstroke!"
"Baldy!" (this heckler had a somewhat less vivid imagination than the other two).
So yeah, he'd go off and wander the desert and resist temptation from the Devil, but he'd get caught on one final thing.....
"Okay Jesus, so you think you're a big shot coz you resisted loads of crazy shit I offered you, cat. But dig this. I'm willing to give you a full head of hair, my man. That's right. Think about how much warmer your head is gonna be in the winter, dog." (the Devil is a jazz musician by the way, hence his ridiculous manner of speaking.)
Now obviously Jesus takes this offer up immediately. There's only so much scalp-bashing a man can take before he caves in, even the son of the Lord.
"Hot-damn, Sam. I gone and tempted the son of God reeeeallll good, man. Slide me some skin, Beelzebub." says Satan to his right-hand man who was previously hiding in a bush.
"Yeah okay that's all well and good Satan, but you forgot to take into account that I've spent the majority of my life being bald, and as such I now have the mentality of an incredibly hard skinhead," Jesus quite rightly points out, and then nuts Satan right on the bridge of the nose.
"Hey man that ain't cool! You done gone and ruined my nose rrreaaaal bad, dog! Beelzebub, let's scram, dude." Satan says, and they sort of saunter off whilst scatting to themselves and clicking the fingers.
If only the Bible was actually like this they might shift a few more copies, even in these hard financial times.

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