Alright Elton John, you plump little balladeer, I know you didn't write the bloody lyrics but that's no excuse for committing the social faux-pa of putting candles in the wind in the first place.
Poor Marilyn Monroe eh, getting fucking freezing cold in the wind holding a candle like that.
"Elton, could I come back in now please? It's fucking freezing and this candle is gonna go out."
"Marilyn you'll do whatever the bloody hell I tell you to do. And anyway, most people these days think this song is about Princess Diana coz I tweaked the bloody lyrics didn't I?"
"Oh right. Well that's fair enough I suppose."
However, Elton didn't count on the fact that Marilyn Monroe has been dead for ages, and in a puff of smoke she is gone and the candle hits the floor and sets fire to his garden BIG time. Thanks to the massive amount of wind, the fire soon encircles Elton's estate entirely.
"Oh for FUCK'S sake! As if I need this, I haven't had a hit in fucking ages." he rages, mashing 999 into his £1million mobile phone (probably).
"I reckon it's because you completely lost your voice," pipes in David Furnish, Elton's husband.
"Fucking shut it, Furnish. Go and FURNISH someone's house." Elton retorts, barely containing his laughter after such a deft play on words.
The fire service arrive and luckily douse the flames before any serious damage is done, and the begin inquiring as to what started the fire.
"Oh well I told Marilyn Monroe to hold my candle in the wind and because she's been dead for however many years she promptly disappeared, which caused havoc in my garden as you can imagine, what with it being so dry and windy out." Elton explains, leisurely digging his hands into the pockets of his £10billion luxury dressing gown (maybe). This explanation is of course met with a swift binding in a straight jacket and Elton is thrown into a mental asylum without so much as a by-your-leave.
"What rotten fucking luck!" Elton grumbles as he settles down in his cell and begins composing another useless album in his head.
"You're telling me, mate. You'll never guess what I got done for," a voice says, which turns out to be the voice of none other than Robert Downey Jr.
"Robert Downey Jr! You did voice-acting for the music video of my song 'I Want Love' didn't you, you old tosser?" Elton exclaims.
"I'm not English so I have no idea what a 'tosser' is, but I'm presuming it's some sort of compliment because I'm an ignorant American just like all the comedians say. And yeah I've got no sense of irony either so don't bother being ironic. But anyway yeah I did do the voice acting, but as I was saying, guess what I got thrown in here for?"
Elton has already composed 3 dreary ballads by this point.
"What?"
"Well, it's because I murdered someone." Robert says.
"Oh. Oh right." Elton says.
At this point things become considerably more awkward in the cell.
"So what are you in here for?" Robert offers, to try and break the ice, as it were.
"I told Marilyn Monroe to hold my candle in the wind and she disappeared because she's been dead for ages so it set fire to my garden, for the 5th bloody time today." Elton says.
"Well you fucking mug, I needed somebody to hold my candle in the wind the other day and I got Elizabeth Taylor to do it, she's still alive."
"Too true."
"The candle went out though."
"Yeah, so the lyrics of my song foretell."
"Mmm."
And so Elton spent the rest of his days next to Robert Downey Jr. in a loony bin having quite awkward conversations.
IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.
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