It's all well and good living in Wonderland, but eventually you're going to want to find somebody special to settle down with aren't you, really? Once you've gotten over the dizzying rush of everything just being ridiculously mental all the time and the talking Do-Do's lording it up, you'd realise that there literally isn't any girlfriend material in Wonderland at all. In actual fact, everyone's a fucking nutcase. It'd get irritating.
So the Mad Hatter would go to a club with the March Hare, be sort of standing around at the bar looking at the dance floor:
"She's a bit of alright." Mad Hatter would say, nudging the March Hare and pointing at the Queen of Hearts. The March Hare's in a committed relationship though (yeah he got one of the normal ones), and he's one of those guys who doesn't like to voice his opinion on any other girl because he thinks it's inappropriate, so he just says:
"Yeah, I suppose. Not really my type, I don't know really."
So anyway, the night proceeds, with the Mad Hatter getting a few more drinks in for Dutch courage, then eventually goes over and speaks to her.
"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!" she immediately cries.
"What?"
"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!" she repeats, and then the Mad Hatter notices that she's got a fucking flamingo in her hand.
"What the fuck?" he says, and wanders back to the bar, bemused.
"She was a right weirdo." he says to the March Hare, but he's busy texting his girlfriend. This sort of thing re-occurs throughout the night. He tries it on with the Dutchess but he notices she's cradling a pig, etc. Everyone's a fucking headcase, there's no two ways around it.
So, that night the Mad Hatter leaves on his own, just like every other night. When he gets home he gets some tea on the go, puts his favourite record on ('Sound of Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel) and cries a tiny bit. The Dormouse overhears this and decides to try and cheer his mate up.
"What's wrong, Hatty?" he asks, and the Mad Hatter drains some tea and sniffs.
"Everyone in Wonderland's fucking weird. I've never even kissed a girl because when I do something ridiculously mental happens like I grow to 50 feet tall or something, and then the girl is actually a duck. It just.....it just gets me down, that's all."
The Dormouse gives him a reassuring pat on the back.
"Oh it ain't so bad. Think about those oysters that got tricked by the Walrus and eaten!"
"What the fuck has that got to do with anything?"
"Well, I'm just saying."
"They're oysters, oysters get eaten all the time! And since when do fucking walruses eat them anyway??!?! Or wear clothes??!! This is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. I just want a nice normal life with a wife and kids, we can't just have mad tea parties all the time. Eventually we're going to run out of tea...."
The Dormouse knows when he's not wanted, and leaves the Mad Hatter alone.
Lewis Carroll really should've considered these delicate emotional matters before he created such a surreal world. Somebody's gonna get hurt.
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