If This Is Heaven I'm Bailing Out....

You know those people who have out-of-body experiences and that, and they always bang on about some proper long tunnel with a light at the end of it? Sounds shit to me.
If I was God I'd make the entrance to heaven some ridiculously mental roller coaster ride that does about 50 flips and goes at 100mph. Also, seeing as all roller coasters seem to need to have some kind of theme these days, the theme would be a brothel. So you'd be pelting it along in a carriage with a bra and fishnets on and wizzing through all these sordid red-lit rooms with prostitutes being all like "What the fuck??"
It'd be a right laugh wouldn't it?
So yeah, once these out-of-body experience people are past their boring dark tunnel they reckon they get to some big white place with angels and shit. This also sounds boring. At the end of my roller coaster you'd land in a fuck-off pool of jelly which is every single nice flavour ever at the same time. Then St. Peter would be all like:
"Sup homie, you be one deeeeaddd motherfucker, you feel me? Slide me some skin, my man."
Which you'd do.
"Now here's the deal you funky sucker, you're gonna be hanging low in heaven for the rest of eternity so what do you wanna do?"
"Well I tell you what I don't want to do, loiter around in a white room."
"I hear dat! Do you wanna have a game of air hockey?"
"Fuck yes."
So you have the most intense game of air hockey that you've ever had, and it's neck-and-neck until the last minute, when you score an absolute corker which bounces off of the sides like 10 times before going in.
"You jive-turkey, that's the illest shot I've ever seen, my man. Anyways son I gotta go usher some mo' peeps into eternity, you feel?"
So he'd saunter off and you'd think of something else to do which is fucking banging, like go to a chinese buffet.
After reading this, I hope people who've had out-of-body experiences are embarrassed about their interpretations of ever-lasting ecstacy.